Well, this will be a sad post.
A few days ago, Kirk and I found out we were pregnant. We were so excited! I was about 4.5 weeks along when we found out so we weren't telling anyone. Then that Friday I woke up at about midnight and was having cramps. They were really light so I didn't think anything of it and went back to sleep. Then at about 6am Kirk was headed to work and I woke up to tell him goodbye. My cramps were getting worse but I still thought everything would be okay. Then at about 6:30am I started bleeding and the cramps were bad. Through the morning they kept getting worse and worse until I couldn't do anything. I started getting really nauseous and getting tunnel vision. I am pretty sure I blacked out at this point but only for a second or two. Then my hands started going numb. I couldn't use them really at all. They felt really stiff. I managed to call Kirk and told him I needed to go to the hospital. He was in Blanding (20 miles away) so he jumped in the car and sped home. He told me later that he was going 90 mph for some of the drive. He was very worried. We got off the phone so he could drive. I thought for a moment that I was going to have to call the ambulance but decided not to because I wasn't sure what they would do with the girls.
I was in a ton of pain and couldn't get off the ground. I was nervous that I might pass out and leave the girls without someone so I called Kirk again and told him to stay on the phone just in case. He told me to hang up and call our neighbor but I really didn't want to do that so he just stayed on the line. When he finally made it home I could feel my hands again and could actually move around which was good since all the doors were locked (he doesn't have a key) and Heidi couldn't get them open. He was about to break a window when I was able to crawl to the door and let him in. We rushed to the hospital and they put me in the E.R. room. When I laid down they immediately put a warm blanket on me. It was probably the greatest feeling ever. If there was any good in that day, that warm blanket was a big part of it. The girls stayed with us at the hospital for a little while but then Kirk took them to our neighbor. I had lost a ton of blood so they put me on an I.V. for the rest of the day. I also was given some pain meds but they didn't help much. They drew my blood which made me sob even more and when the test finally came back that I was no longer pregnant I was able to have some heavier pain meds. Thankfully. I kept telling the nurses I was sorry for crying so much but they were so great about it. I was given an ultrasound to make sure their wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. They couldn't tell so my ultrasound was sent to someone else to read. Luckily it came back that it was not. That was Kirk's biggest fear. I spent the rest of the day laying around the hospital getting fluids through the I.V. and waiting for tests to come back. Kirk went home around noon to put the girls to bed for their nap. Adrian Goodwine was pulling out of her garage when she saw Kirk. He told her what was going on and she said she was on her way to pick up the big girls from school so they would be right over to watch Heidi and Alice. Kirk said that about 5 minutes later Bailey, their oldest, was walking into the house to be with the girls. After she got there, Kirk came back to the hospital. A few hours later Kirk's parents got here and let Bailey go home while they watched the girls. My parents were also on their way and got there late that night. The doctor told us that we could go home when the I.V. was done and after my blood was drawn again with a clear reading. So at about 6pm we were allowed to go home. I was so glad to go home. I missed my babies and didn't want to be in the hospital anymore. I was very tired so I slept okay that night. Kirk's parents and my parents stayed with me the next day. I was so glad to have them since Kirk had to go to work after missing the whole day on Friday. I was still VERY exhausted and weak and in pain but it was okay. My parents left Saturday afternoon. Kirk's parents took the girls to the museum in Blanding so I could have some quiet time. They left the next morning.
I am SO grateful for everything that everyone did for me! Kirk's parents and my parents dropped everything to come be with us and take care of our girls. I don't know what I would have done without them. We have the greatest neighbors you could ever ask for. They are so willing to help us every time we need it and I feel very blessed to have moved into this neighborhood. The doctor and nurses at the hospital were so awesome and really helped me feel better with everything.
And most of all I am overwhelmed with gratitude for Kirk. This guy proves to me more everyday why he is so great. He was with me through this whole ordeal and was my pillar. I am so grateful for a guy that will drive 90 mph to be by my side when I need him. I am so grateful for a guy that will reassure me that it wasn't my fault when I question what I did wrong, over and over. I am so grateful for a guy that will just sit by the hospital bed and hold my hand. I am so grateful for a guy who honors his Priesthood and could give me a blessing of peace, comfort, and healing. This was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and I am so glad that I got to go through it with him. My words fail.
I cannot write how much I love this guy and how happy I am that he's mine forever.
I'm glad he chose me.
Since that terrible day I have been able to be okay. I can't say I have moved on because I'm not sure I ever will. And I know I will never be over it. I lost my baby. It doesn't matter that I was only 5 weeks along. It doesn't matter that the baby didn't even look like a baby yet. It was my baby. My child. It was inside of me and when I miscarried it left a hole in my heart.
I believe I will see that spirit again. I do not claim to know the facts about when our bodies and spirits unite and become one for this life. I have searched and searched for answers since that day and cannot find them. But I have a feeling that our spirit is connected in some way to our bodies from the moment they are conceived. I know that little baby inside of me had a spirit because I felt it then and I feel it still. It gives me tremendous comfort to know that whether in this life or in the next I will be able to hold my baby and give that baby all the love I have. The hardest part is not knowing when that will happen. I still cry over not knowing where my baby is and when I will see it again. But for now I will live with this hole left by that sweet child I wanted so badly and hope for another day when they will be in my arms.
